Soulmate

Question:
[name and birth date details of friend are omitted] Thank you. Hi, I had a relationship which ended around a decade ago. It was an incredibly painful split for me though I couldn't understand why at the time. It was a relatively short relationship (the first split was after just a fifteen months of being together). After a healing period of around nine months we began talking again as friends. I didn't know whether I wanted to be with him again, though I felt I loved him, as there was something about us that I just couldn't believe in. The relationship felt so whispy, like it lacked anything graspable if that makes any sense. I was frightened and skeptical that the love on both sides was based on fantasy (Neptune is prominent in our composite astrology chart: Pisces asc square nep). He seemed only to really fall in love with me, during the initial relationship, after he'd spent time away / abroad. For the first time I felt he was in love with me (though he'd claimed to be throughout the relationship), as now in my eyes he seemed to demonstrate love in a way that I recognised. However, I didn't trust it. I thought absence made the heart grow fonder for the reason that one is able to fall in love with the idea of the person rather than the present person themselves. During the period of friendship I knew he wanted to be with me, but I was unsure if i wanted that. I needed a lot of time, and I kept dreaming that there were things I needed to do in life and that I'd kind of fallen behind schedule. I didn't want to hold him back from finding love so I sort of encouraged him to meet new people. Finally he did, and I kept having dreams that the relationship he'd started wouldn't progress if he continued his involvement with me. I dreamt there was the potential for him to marry this woman he'd met and have children, but only if I got out of the picture. I didn't want him to lose the opportunity of something potentially good and fulfilling as I couldn't guarantee that he would one day have this with me. The relationship for me had been a very unusual and unsettling one. In my previous relationships I had grown to love the people after long periods of friendship and getting to know each other. This relationship had on the contrary begun very suddenly from a chance meeting and immediately we became a couple. On the night we met I had felt that I would meet someone just before I left the house to go out. I could feel him in the room when I arrived. Something kept making me look over to where he was, though I couldn't see him amongst the crowd. Finally when he came over, he instantly looked and felt familiar. I felt trepidation about getting involved with him, I didn't want to. But, somehow I just let myself despite myself. During the time we were together I could feel who he was, and whatever he was I felt a very natural and gentle love for. To me, he felt as if we were the same, just the masculine and feminine version. Like our essence was the same but we expressed it very differently. However, I wanted a love I could grasp based on material knowledge of him rather than just feeling. I tried to rush / push the getting to know each other and pressured him unfairly. I was frightened; I felt a drift. I wanted him to love me on the same bases of material knowledge, and I was incredibly hurt that he didn't seem to want to learn all about me. I had such fear about us not working out. Another very difficult aspect of this was that he seemed to have very little knowledge of himself. He didn't seem to know what my feelings recognised him to be. Finally I felt so guilty about pushing him to recognise himself. He was under pressure from me and it wasn't making him happy. I thought it was unfair, so I decided not to do it anymore but also found I couldn't be with someone who lacked so much knowledge about themselves and also one who didn't seem to have the desire to. When he went abroad to work I hoped that he would meet someone, have a fling and gain a little more self knowledge and insight into my experience of the relationship. I don't know whether he did or not, but this is when he appeared to really start falling in love with me. Around five months later we split. We were back in touch nine months after that. During the past decade I've thought of him all the time. Maybe here and there I've had a few months break in between, but it has felt tiringly incessant. Sometimes I could explain it, as I might have recognised a behavior of my own in my subsequent relationship that had caused me to understand how he was, how he felt or why he did certain things. But otherwise, I've generally felt like these thoughts of him have been an unwanted, inexplicable intrusion. I could say it's like obsession, except I feel no need of thinking about him - I just do. It was the shortest relationship I've ever had. I don't regret finishing things with him. Until the last month or so I've never before felt like I wanted to be with him again, certainly no desperation or soul pain that people speak of about being separated from their beloveds. And since the decade old break up, apart from the odd fleeting feeling (years apart), it's only now that I've started missing him. I can't explain it to myself. Recently, I keep feeling that he's my soulmate. I've felt that all of my relationships have been with a soulmate. But, this is different, more proximate. The feeling is like we're twins. I hate the idea of being half of anything, but it's close to that. I keep remembering how for a time when we were together I would look in the mirror and somehow see him. We look totally different. It was my face but it was like his energy or something. Very difficult to describe. I feel as though we belong, but that it's not necessity that we are together. Recently, I've been thinking often when is he going to going to feel this? And, will he decide to contact me? I've never felt tearful about him since we were last together until this past few days. I've been looking into astrology for some explanation of why thoughts of him and now relationship prod at me so much in this way. I've looked at tropical natals, draconics, 9th harmonic charts and compared them all one to the other. I've seen strong love ties in them all and descriptions of each of us that are similar, but i wonder if I'm seeing this because I need some sort of answer rather than there really being anything of great significance in or between the charts. Whilst researching aspects of the charts on the net the other day, I was reading a thread on twin souls and I saw something that made me burst into tears. An astrologer said twin souls are essentially the same but express themselves as opposites. Immediately I recognised this was almost word for word what I had always said and felt about he and I. Since then I keep crying (i never did before), and wondering if and when. I feel as though I'm waiting for him, sometimes willing him. I don't feel it's a need or a must. It's very strange. Maybe now that I've got all this out in writing, I won't be prodded any longer. Please, do you think he and I are sort of special soulmates? Like I said, I've had / have quite a few in my life but this is different. Perhaps it only feels that way because the relationship wasn't substantial i.e. different to those I've had before and since. Any answer at all would be very much appreciated. Kind regards. P.S. I think he married very recently, and I'm a bit jealous (though I don't wish marry).

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